Awakenings

Creativity, community, romance, mentorship, missions — in recent weeks God has been awakening passions of mine I thought long dead. 

I stumbled upon a blog (http://mytopography.com) that inspired me to create my own, a place where I could express thoughts and hopes and fears which I could not find the courage to speak even to my closest friends.

A friend of mine at church asked me to spend some time with his troubled 15-year-old son, and we spent an afternoon drawing pictures and exchanging angst-filled poetry.

I planned a reunion of some old friends from 6th grade, the year my classmate Nathan was in a terrible car accident that killed his parents and left him in traction (two weeks later, I was across the hall from him with cancer).

I went to a New Year´s Eve party and talked long with a woman friend who had recently returned from YWAM (Youth With A Mission),  a missions study program with locations all over the world. 

I went to a Spanish conversation group and met another pretty girl, Ellison, recently returned from Costa Rica.  I invited her to go salsa dancing sometime.

I signed up for a crazy thing called “Paint Dancing” (http://www.paintdancing.com) , which is exactly what it sounds like (and completely out of character for the old Tos).

With each of these, it felt like God was saying, “How does that feel, Tos?  Pretty good, huh?  Well, I´ve got that and so much more in store for you.” 

God is in the heart-restoration business.  He will do the same for you if you will let Him, if you will listen and believe and let go.  I get tears every time I think of it.  He is that good.
 

An open apology to my own heart

To my heart:

I am deeply sorry. I have not treated you well. 

I have despised you, even hated you.

I’ve hated your weakness, your neediness, your woundedness, your immaturity. 

I’ve feared your strength, your openness, your courage, your love.

In my fear, I’ve trampled your dreams and your desires. I’ve cut your legs out from under you, I’ve kicked you in the teeth and yet still you pursue me, whispering my name — hurt, perhaps hesitant, but ever-forgiving, ever-loving, ever-hoping.

I’ve both loved and hated you for the fact that you simply will not die.

You kept me alive when I wanted to end it all. And now, I want to return the favor.

I want to do things differently. I wonder what life would be like if I was gentle with you, kind to you, if I walked alongside you, listened to you, honored what you had to say. I wonder what it would be like if I was patient with your current state and your rate of recovery. I wonder what it would be like if I let God in to do what only He can do..

If anyone reads this, my prayer is the same for you: the full restoration of your heart — and with it, your deepest hopes and dreams.

This blog is intended to be a dialog between myself and my heart, and with Jesus, who is there in the midst.  I may veer easily into self-pity or affirmation-seeking or even pride at some “deep” insight, but my hope is that God will re-direct my path each time — back to my heart, and back to Him.

Hello world!

Hello world!

This is the first entry of my new blog, “My Name Is Courage”.

I was going to delete the default “Hello, world!” post, until I realized that it was exactly what I wanted to say:

I want to say hello, world.

I want to say hello to joy, hello to life, hello to hope, hello to risk, hello to love, hello to courage, hello to passion, hello to beauty, hello to creativity, hello to freedom, hello to everything good in me that I often sabotage in order to avoid pain and failure, but which stubbornly live on, just beneath the surface of hopelessness and resignation.

I want to say hello to sorrow, hello to grief, hello to tears, hello to pain, hello to stuffed emotions, hello to regret, hello to fear, hello to everything painful that I try to avoid and pretend does not exist, and yet have my life in a death-grip.

I want to say hello to myself, hello to the person I really am but have hardly met yet (much less embraced), hello to the one under all of the masks, hello to the one who doesn’t think he has anything to offer, hello to the artist, hello to the writer, hello to the storyteller, hello to the seer of the unseen and lover of the unloved, hello to the one whose strength is in his weakness.

I want to say hello to those who have known and loved the small part of me I let them see.  I want to say hello to those I have not met yet, whose stories of courage and perseverance and passion will inspire me to tell and embrace and create my own story.  I want to say hello to all those I will encounter on this scary, wonderful, healing adventure.

Hello, world!  My name is Courage.